‘Ok so what is this reframing business?’ you may have found yourself asking after seeing the term bandied about in the last blog. ‘What has my life got to do with a little piece of wood/metal that caresses the outer edges of the photos and artwork I hang on my wall and how can it improve my life?’.
To begin this session let me answer these questions for you: Maybe something. Maybe nothing. What you take out of this will depend on where you are in your life and how serious you are about applying these concepts. As with everything its all good to read something - but unless you are aware of them in your day to day life and are conscious about applying what you have learnt then you will not benefit. As they say if you read it and then proceed to do what you have always done - you will get what you have always gotten and will remain in the same place.
To begin this session let me answer these questions for you: Maybe something. Maybe nothing. What you take out of this will depend on where you are in your life and how serious you are about applying these concepts. As with everything its all good to read something - but unless you are aware of them in your day to day life and are conscious about applying what you have learnt then you will not benefit. As they say if you read it and then proceed to do what you have always done - you will get what you have always gotten and will remain in the same place.
The concept of frames and reframing are a massive component within NLP with countless articles and research that has been conducted. It is not possible to cover it in totality in this blog so I am going to give you a brief taste of it and if you are interested you can research the concept further online or send me an email and I can point you in the right direction or provide you with some coaching. With that in mind lets get started.
You will recall from earlier blogs that we experience things in a number of different ways, namely visual, audio and kinesthetic. You will also recall that we tend to base our decisions on previous experiences and generalisations that we have constructed about the world. These two things form the ‘frame’ with which you view life and the situations that you encounter. You may have heard the term ‘to view something through a pair of rose coloured glasses’? The idea is that people look at things from a positive angle - this is a frame. Whilst I am not going to go all new age on you and talk about the power of positive thinking I will help you to see how having multiple pairs of glasses to view the world through will provide you with more choices in your life and how you react to things that pop up along the way.
You will recall from earlier blogs that we experience things in a number of different ways, namely visual, audio and kinesthetic. You will also recall that we tend to base our decisions on previous experiences and generalisations that we have constructed about the world. These two things form the ‘frame’ with which you view life and the situations that you encounter. You may have heard the term ‘to view something through a pair of rose coloured glasses’? The idea is that people look at things from a positive angle - this is a frame. Whilst I am not going to go all new age on you and talk about the power of positive thinking I will help you to see how having multiple pairs of glasses to view the world through will provide you with more choices in your life and how you react to things that pop up along the way.
So how does this help you? Let me answer a question with a question. Are there things in your life that occur and you automatically react in a certain way? Causing you to change how you feel or shift your mood? Perhaps its a situation you find yourself in or an interaction with a family member, friend or colleague?
This occurs because of the frame you are carrying into the experience. What if you could change the way that you perceive and interpret the situation? If you change your frame of reference for the situation then you can change the way that you react. This is simple - not easy! You need to be aware of your reactions. When you go into a situation and become frustrated or angry stop. Ask yourself ‘What would I need to believe about it to make me feel this way?’ This question will allow you to identify the frame or the belief that you are using to analyse the situation. Once you have this you can ask yourself another question - ‘What else could this mean?’ By doing this you identify the frame and then search for other potential frames broadening the number of ways you can view the situation. Let me give you an example which will hopefully demonstrate more clearly.
This occurs because of the frame you are carrying into the experience. What if you could change the way that you perceive and interpret the situation? If you change your frame of reference for the situation then you can change the way that you react. This is simple - not easy! You need to be aware of your reactions. When you go into a situation and become frustrated or angry stop. Ask yourself ‘What would I need to believe about it to make me feel this way?’ This question will allow you to identify the frame or the belief that you are using to analyse the situation. Once you have this you can ask yourself another question - ‘What else could this mean?’ By doing this you identify the frame and then search for other potential frames broadening the number of ways you can view the situation. Let me give you an example which will hopefully demonstrate more clearly.
A friend of mine has a strained relationship with her mother. Recently she told her mother about a promotion that she had received at work - she was so excited and happy about it. Her mother acknowledge the promotion and then said to the daughter ‘You need to find a husband’. My friend called me after - she was gutted - one could even go as far to say that she was livid about the situation. From what I am told this is not a singular event and that this sort of things happens often. As the result of these types of interactions my friend feels that nothing she ever does is good enough for her mother. Whilst this exact situation may not have happen to you I am confident that you can relate with it on some level.
Lets begin this by looking at what we have learnt in previous blogs. You will recall that we previously learnt that an event is just an event and nothing more - it has no meaning. The meaning comes from the story that we construct from it. The only relationship between an event and a story is that the story follows directly after the event and that whilst the event has been and gone the story will forever remain. So what happened? My friend told her mother that she got a promotion. Her mother acknowledged it and then asked he daughter when she will get married. That was the event - nothing more nothing less. What did my friend make it mean? What story did she create? She created that she wasn’t good enough. Who decided this? The responsibility lies with the person that constructed the story not the players involved - similar to the saying don’t hate the player hate the game...
Lets begin this by looking at what we have learnt in previous blogs. You will recall that we previously learnt that an event is just an event and nothing more - it has no meaning. The meaning comes from the story that we construct from it. The only relationship between an event and a story is that the story follows directly after the event and that whilst the event has been and gone the story will forever remain. So what happened? My friend told her mother that she got a promotion. Her mother acknowledged it and then asked he daughter when she will get married. That was the event - nothing more nothing less. What did my friend make it mean? What story did she create? She created that she wasn’t good enough. Who decided this? The responsibility lies with the person that constructed the story not the players involved - similar to the saying don’t hate the player hate the game...
Now that we have established the story and the meaning constructed lets have a look at the frame that she viewed her mother and their relationship. What would she need to believe to react this way? After further discussion my friend advised me that she thinks her mother is critical, cold, that nothing she ever does is ever good enough for her and that her mother thinks she is a failure. Reread that last line for a moment. If these were her beliefs what do you think was possible for this relationship? If you used this frame of reference to interact with a person how would you act? You would have to ask my friend but personally I would be going in the situation ready to fight...with armour ready and my guard up. What does that kind of thing do to a relationship when you are too guarded to share freely?
Now that we have established the frame in which she viewed her mother lets take the next step. When her mother makes these kind of comments what else could it mean? When I asked my friend she came up with a list. Some of which included the likes of her mother is a bitch, that she is nasty etc - after a little coaching she realised that these sort of answers were coming from the same frame we had already just established. She then started to create some new possibilities. She said that it could be because her mother loved her, that she wanted the best for her and wanted her to be happy - that her mother had had a hard life and that she didn’t want her daughter to go through the same thing...Wow - this was a completely different way of viewing the situation - can you imagine what kind of difference viewing someone from this frame would make in a relationship?
Now that we have established the frame in which she viewed her mother lets take the next step. When her mother makes these kind of comments what else could it mean? When I asked my friend she came up with a list. Some of which included the likes of her mother is a bitch, that she is nasty etc - after a little coaching she realised that these sort of answers were coming from the same frame we had already just established. She then started to create some new possibilities. She said that it could be because her mother loved her, that she wanted the best for her and wanted her to be happy - that her mother had had a hard life and that she didn’t want her daughter to go through the same thing...Wow - this was a completely different way of viewing the situation - can you imagine what kind of difference viewing someone from this frame would make in a relationship?
So was it important for my friend to get married to be happy? Was the mother right? Maybe, maybe not. Each person will have different priorities and value some areas more highly when it comes to being happy. The two of them had never discussed priorities before because of the frames that were getting in the way - they were constantly on guard and ready to roll. What’s possible for their relationship now? I don’t know but what I do know is that if my friend chooses to use the new frame then there is likely to be more open communication and they can create whatever they want to create.
You may be starting to see the kind of difference that reframing can make.If you change your beliefs you can change how you feel and react. This is not just something that focusses on relationships - you can use it to reframe a context too. Take work for example. You may hate aspects of your job and complain - what would you need to believe to become annoyed by the situation? What else could it mean? By identifying alternative frames something may change for a tedious task to something that is critical to success. A job may change from something that is not what you want to do and and an activity that is sucking the life out of you to something that is temporary and something that provides you with the funds that need to per sue what you are really passionate about - the possibilities are endless.
You may be starting to see the kind of difference that reframing can make.If you change your beliefs you can change how you feel and react. This is not just something that focusses on relationships - you can use it to reframe a context too. Take work for example. You may hate aspects of your job and complain - what would you need to believe to become annoyed by the situation? What else could it mean? By identifying alternative frames something may change for a tedious task to something that is critical to success. A job may change from something that is not what you want to do and and an activity that is sucking the life out of you to something that is temporary and something that provides you with the funds that need to per sue what you are really passionate about - the possibilities are endless.
The idea with reframing is to identify the way that you are viewing/ reacting to something and to be able to generate alternative options. This provides you with more choice and allows you to select the alternative that empowers you the most. As discussed this is only a brief overview - it merely scratches the surface. There is plenty of more information available on the internet and I am happy to coach you further with it. For now I will leave you with something that links well to reframing and having more choice - it is something that Wilbert my coach said to me when I was first learning NLP in his course...
‘If you have only one option to select or one choice you are a robot - you simply do what you can do and have always done. If you have two things to chose from then you have a dilemma - you need to chose one or the other. Its not until you have three or more options to chose from that you really have a choice’ .
Whilst I may have not got it word for word I think the point has been made - if you can look at a situation - identify the frame that you are using to experience it through and then be able to generate a number of different alternatives - you then have a choice and real power on the way you live your life!
To ensure that you receive all of the latest postings visit my Facebook page and click on the ‘Like’ button. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Vids/256234771090470
Until we meet again.
Dan
‘If you have only one option to select or one choice you are a robot - you simply do what you can do and have always done. If you have two things to chose from then you have a dilemma - you need to chose one or the other. Its not until you have three or more options to chose from that you really have a choice’ .
Whilst I may have not got it word for word I think the point has been made - if you can look at a situation - identify the frame that you are using to experience it through and then be able to generate a number of different alternatives - you then have a choice and real power on the way you live your life!
To ensure that you receive all of the latest postings visit my Facebook page and click on the ‘Like’ button. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Honey-I-Shrunk-the-Vids/256234771090470
Until we meet again.
Dan
