Ownership Questions...

In the last instalment we looked at the two different types of people in this world - owners and victims. After reading the article many of you may have been surprised to find that there were areas in your life where you are living in the ‘victim vacuum’ - making excuses and blaming others for things that go wrong. There is nothing wrong with this. People have done this for generations and have lived perfectly normal lives. The difference is that these types of people tend to experience a series of ups and downs, highs and lows throughout their lives. Why is this? Because they are at the mercy of the things that are going on around them. As we identified in the last blog there is another option. To take ownership and responsibility for the situation which then gives you the power, puts you in control and allows you to be the solution.

So how do we do this? The answer as usual is simple - not easy. It’s a matter of altering your current mindset and practicing a new way of thinking. I won’t lie to you it will take time - just look at how many years it has taken you to perfect your current mindset. What I will promise you is that with each attempt you will create new neural pathways in your mind and begin to make progress. At the end of the day this what it is all about.

With that said lets get straight into it. Today we are going to look at just two of the questions that owners ask themselves. As we do this we will look at the difference that makes the difference with this type of thinking.

Questions 1:

What else could this mean?

The first question is the key to opening your mind. Too often we jump to assumptions when something occurs and automatically assign a meaning based on similar situations that have occurred in the past. Interestingly enough we are evolutionarily wired to do this but it limits us drastically in a modern day society. You may say ‘But it is the same as the last time though’. But is it really? There are millions of tiny and subtle variants involved in each situation - the chances of every one of them being exactly the same in this new situation is very minute. The difference between and owner and a victim is not that owners don’t make assumptions or automatically assign meaning to situations - it’s that they have the awareness to catch themselves out when they do and then consider all of the other things that it could possibly mean. This allows them to choose the meaning that works for them best and that is going to put them into the most resourceful frame of mind.

Before we move on let me ask you if you have ever had a situation where you automatically assumed something, and then became angry, panicky or stressed only after a period of time to find out there was nothing to get bothered about? If you are like me there will be many examples that come to mind. All of that time between when we made the assumption and when we found out it was wrong was spent helpless and wasted for nothing. By asking ourselves this question we open our eyes to all of the other possible meanings or solutions so that you choose the one that is going to be helpful or start identifying actions that you can take immediately to rectify the situation.

Question 2:

How can I use this or what can I learn?

This is the second key to being an owner. After the event is all said and done they look for what they can take out of it. What knowledge do they now have? What worked and what didn’t work about what they did? And what have they learned that they can apply in the future. Far too often people forget this step - they are just happy to have found their way out of dark only to end up stumbling on the same problem or in the same kind of relationship over and over again. Sound like anyone you know? For some this may be a little overwhelming - as you may have many areas that are currently troubling you. I would suggest that you start with the major ones first and gradually work your way through. Breaking the task into small chunks is always less daunting and allows you to measure the results as you go along the way which will keep you motivated.

So there you go - as I said they seem simple enough but will make a major difference in the way you think and react to situations. Stick with it. It will take a little bit of practice to get into the swing of things and to program your mind to this way of thinking. As they say Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither is an owners mindset.

I am currently putting together a new promotion. If you click the 'Like' button on my page in the top left hand corner you will go in the draw for an hours one on one coaching with me. I will be randomly drawing a name out for ever 50 people that click like.

Until we meet again

Dan

There are two types of people in this world...which one are you?

Let me begin by saying that I love audiobooks. Some may think of it as the lazy mans version of reading but I don’t mind. I love the fact that it allows me to learn at the same time as undertaking daily tasks and chores. I like the fact that I can get up first thing in the morning and put my head phones on and learn something new and exciting or something that will motivate me and set the tone for my day - give it a try. I tend to listen as I make my breakfast, take care of the washing or ride the train into the city. For the last few days I have been listening and re-listening to a program by Steve Chandler. They say that repetition is the key to learning so I have purposely listened to it a number of times to ensure that I absorb each and every last piece of wisdom. The audiobook echoes the idea of the power of choice that I blogged about a few weeks ago in ‘choose your own adventure’. I thought that it may be an idea to re-explore and elaborate on some of these concepts.

In the audioboook Steve identifies two types of people. He points out that you are either an ‘Owner’ or a ‘Victim’ in life. The category you fall into will determine the way that you view the world as well as your experience of it. So what are these two categories? An owner is someone who owns their experience of life, the world and their response to the situations that occur in it - they accept responsibility for the ups and the downs and the part that they play in them. A victim on the other hand is someone who is always looking for someone or something else to blame for their plot in life - they are literally a victim of their circumstances and those around them.

So which one are you?

My personal thoughts are that each of us can be both of them at different times - this will tend to depend on the situation and the frame of mind that we are in at the time. I think it is natural to automatically assume that you are an owner, but I think in reality the majority of us have gradually been programmed to use the victim mindset. Ask yourself when was the last time that you heard yourself say ‘He/she makes me so angry’ or ‘If I had more...(you fill the blank) I would be able to...’ or ‘I hate my job but I need the money’ or ‘why me / whynow’. Any of these sound familiar? This type of thinking can be associated with a victim mindset. The issue with this victim mindset is that it zaps your power and motivation and more importantly keeps you trapped in the position that you are currently in.

‘But not all of those things are in my control’ I hear many people say. Is that the truth or the victim inside you speaking? When you give up control of the situation you are settling for an outcome that is dictated to you. Is that what you want? Someone else determining your happiness? The major difference between the victim and the owner is that the owner wants to take responsibility for their situation - they do this because they know that doing so puts them in a place of power. Once they take responsibility for the situation and acknowledge that they are a part of the problem it then allows them to be the solution - it gives them options and choices on how to react to whatis happening rather then being the helpless victim who gets pushed around.

Now a distinction that I need to make here is that taking ownership is not about blaming, being critical of or beating yourself up about things - it is simply about acknowledging your part in the matter (not dwelling on it like a victim), identifying what options you have and then taking action to rectify the situation.

One of the main areas that we tend to slip into this victim mentality is when other people are involved. There is a natural tendency to make them wrong and you right. There is a quote that I like by Eleanor Roosevelt ‘No one can make you inferior without your consent’. The idea is that you are completely responsible for how you feel - no one else can make you think or feel something without you giving them permission to do so. What happens is that they do something - that’s all. It is YOU that assigns a meaning to what they did which results in that thought or feeling that you have. You have a choice inthe meaning that you assign - they don’t - so don’t forget that. In this type of situation the only thing that being a victim gives you may be the sympathy or pity of others - even this doesn’t last long because those around you start to get sick of hearing you complain. Instead make the choice to take ownership for how you feel and take action. You could avoid that person or address the issue with them - let them know what you made it mean and look for a way you can work it out - much more powerful then complaining and feeling sorry for yourself.

Over the next few days I encourage you to start to identify times when you slip into that victim mindset. Become aware of the areas that this tends to happen and the costs that it has on your personal power and happiness. Being an owner really does give you power - and knowing that you can take control of situations does wonders for the way that you think about yourself and who you are as a person.

In the next blog we will look at two powerful questions that “Owners’ use.

In the meantime if you would like to start listening to some audiobooks head to www.learnoutloud.com. This site has a wide range and is not limited to just personal development. There is a section entitled ‘Free Stuff’ where you can download some of the titles and talks at no cost.

Until we meet again.

Dan

The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step

Over the last few years I have read more then a hundred books in the area of NLP and personal development. It has been a love hate relationship with many books giving me things that have helped me to make positive changes in my life and shifts in the way I think , whilst others have promised to hold the key to rapid success and instant change. It has been an interesting journey full of ups and downs but I have learned a lot and wouldn’t change it for anything. I love the famous quote ‘The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step’ - something about it feels congruent with my own personal journey and the way that I view change. I believe whole heartedly that change can occur in an instant but only if the individual is ready for that change and ready to do whatever it takes to improve their situation. Often change involves a pilgrimage to get to the tipping point; steps that the individual must undertakes to get to a point where they are ready to make that change. Whether it’s a thousand miles or two steps to your goal it won’t occur unless you take that first step out of your comfort zone. Today’s blog outlines 6 of the major realisations I have had over that journey.

     

1. Both you and life will never be perfect

I can hear your jaws drop! Isn’t that the idea of all of this self development stuff? I guess that depends on your goals. You need to be realistic. If you adopt this way of thinking you will naturally start to feel the pressure dissolve. You don’t need to be anything else - you are perfect the way you are - its simple that you chose to further enhance areas of your life. Where most people come unstuck is that they embark on this journey, make some good progress but then hit a speed bump and quit. It’s not possible for everything to go right in life - unless the stars somehow perfectly align, the moon sits at just the right angle from the earth and the gravitational pull of the other planets is just right. There are going to be ups and downs in everyone's lives. Through developing your self awareness and gaining new skills you will still experience these ups and downs but the difference is that you will have the tools and resources you need to be able to navigate through the storm, to take the bull by the horns and pull yourself out of it much quicker then you once would have conceived as possible. You will also be able to identify actions that you take in life that lead to these types of pit falls allowing you to use each hurdle as an exercise to learn from and develop alternatives to so that you don’t have the same issue in the future. This is a continuous process so enjoy it.

     

2. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.

True isn’t it? Yet so many of us wonder why we are still unhappy, don’t have the ideal relationship or the dream job. If you don’t mix things up and try new things how do you expect to get to a different place in your life. Try something new and you never know what you may find...but I guarantee it will be something you never would have found had you not taken that first step.

3. The power of chunking and flag post

This one can be extremely powerful and is something that a future blog will delve into more deeply. Dreaming big can often be daunting and stops many people from chasing their goals. Chunking helps to break this major goal down into a series of small goals within the main goal - steps that you can take to move towards the final outcome. These act as flag posts to let you know where you are up to - once you have achieved each one you can take a moment to pause, appreciate the work you have done and the success you have achieved, look for any adjustments you may need to make to the plan before surging towards your next mini goal.

    

4. Just do it! 

It’s the catchy slogan that made Nike billions! Often the first step is the hardest because of emphasis that we place on it - we tend to create a mountain out of a mole hill. So what if you fail? Does it change who you are? Does it make you a failure? Or does it elevate you into that small group of people who had the courage to step up and not settle for less then they deserve? Once you have your small chunks and your flag posts take an action - any action is better then no action. The key is to take at least one action straight away otherwise there is the risk you will continue to put it off. If you start you may be surprises how much things begin to snowball in the right direction

 

5. The thing you need to do most is the one that you will avoid

Despite what you may or may not want to believe this is true. It is our natural tendency to avoid that which we think is difficult - we will make excuses like we don’t have enough time or I’ve already done so much to improve or I’m tired. Excuses are just that...excuses. If you have 10 things to do and you do 9 of them and avoid the one that would have the biggest impact are you cheating yourself? Is it better to have 9 tiny wins or one major win that would cause a complete shift in the way that you experience life. As a coach I would prefer you to take that one action out of 10 that you don’t want to do rather then the 9 that you can do easily. Why? Is it because I am cruel? No it’s because that one thing is the one that will make the biggest difference. When you are doing some of this stuff look for the one you least want to do and just do it - the voice in your head may even try to trick you and tell you that it has no relevance to you simply because it doesn’t want to have to confront that part of its life.

And finally

6. It’s not about the destination its about the journey

We get so focused on the end outcome that we forget to take time to enjoy the process that we go through to get to the final result. This way of thinking carries a major risk. If you achieve the goal and it doesn’t bring the desired result that you were seeking e.g. money, success, happiness etc there is the risk that you will become disappointed, disheartened and wonder what the point of trying really is anyway - which is not a resourceful state to be in or a place you want to be. Take time to stop and appreciate the progress you are making along the way, enjoy the successes that you are have and soak up the experiences that you have along the way whether that be the people you meet, the skills you learn, the hurdles you overcome or the strengths you identify in yourself that you weren’t aware even existed. If you live in this manner you will enjoy life a lot more and achieving the end goal will just be the icing on the top of everything.

I hope these things help to make the difference in your life and that you can apply them to your own personal journey.

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Until we meet again

Dan