Self-fulfilling prophecies and backstreet treats

Interesting title but not as untoward as you may think.

Today we will look a two concepts, self-fulfilling as well as bad habits and the real reason behind why we do what we do.

Let me begin by making a confession - no this isn’t the blog version of AA! It’s about my integrity and letting you know where I stand on todays topic. Right now at this very moment as I sit down to write this blog I have my doubts. Not about the concepts but about myself and my ability to link these two topics together to give you the maximum opportunity to see how this fits in with your current situation and allow you to make a positive change in how you relate to yourself. I wrestled with this doubt when I got up. I wrestled with it as I worked out at the gym. I wrestled with it in the shower and I am wrestling with it now as I tap each letter on the keyboard. Right now it is evident to me that I am not wrestling with the concepts themselves but with a bad habit or belief about my own ability - something you may be able to relate to in some area of your life. I am committed though to push through my own bad habits and limiting beliefs to make this one of the best blogs I can for you so strap yourself in and lets go for a ride!

So lets begin. A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to come true due to the simple fact that the prediction was made. This happens because our beliefs influence our actions. The modern version of this concept is the ‘secret’ or the ‘law of attraction’ made popular in recent years by Oprah. The idea is that whatever we believe we receive - or the version I prefer - whatever you focus on you create. This is a helpful concept if you use it the right way but if you are focusing on something that you don’t want, then you’re in trouble. Remember the idea that your mind can’t tell the difference between what is real and imagined? Well it also can’t tell the difference between what you want and don’t want. ‘Hold up a minute!’ I hear you say...remove the boxing gloves, relax and lets explore the idea together...

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When was the last time that you thought/focused on something that you didn’t want to happen only to have it end up happening anyway despite your attempts to avoid the outcome? Some of you will answer all of the time, which I may add is a self-fulfilling prophecy in itself isn’t it? Why is this? Because when you focus on something your mind will draw you towards it - I’m not talking new age mumbo jumbo here. I’m talking the psychology of the mind - we are goal focused beings. Our brain is programmed to draw us in the direction of what we chose to focus on - what it deems the desired destination. If you focus your thoughts on what you don’t want your mind will confuse it for the goal and you will subconsciously move towards the undesired outcome and the cycle is then completed for the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Now moving on to a seemingly unrelated story.

Some of you who know me may know that I have a dirty little secret - a fetish if you will. Many of you won’t know this because like all addicts I am very good at hiding it. I confess that I am a muffin fiend. I can’t help myself when I am in their presence. At times I call myself the muffin monster - second cousin of sesame streets cookie monster. I just can’t stop eating them regardless how full I am. But then I did. How did I do it?

  

Well firstly, during the NLP practitioner course I completed through Dynamic Creations my teacher played with the patterns or programs I had installed regarding muffins. When I saw a muffin I would get a feeling of comfort and warmth in my body, and I’d hear the little voice in my head say “yummo!” - notice these are all sub-modalities which we have learned about before? So Wilbert changed these so when I saw the muffin a different feeling occurred and the same level of drive wasn’t there to consume every muffin in sight.

Recently I dug a little bit deeper and examined my beliefs. What was it that I believed about muffins? (Stay with me and it will make sense I swear) What was I getting out of consuming this delicious culinary item? One of the words I used in the above paragraph gave it away - comfort. Now I had identified what I was gaining I could use this. So when was the first time that I had that feeling of comfort? Thats when it hit me!

     

When I was younger my mother got a part time job at a bakery to help the family out. My whole life my mother had been a stay at home mum giving us kids everything we needed. When she obtained the job she would be on call and go to the bakery to do the night shifts at short notice. I hated it and always got upset. I would be nervous to think that she would not come home - that she would be tired and have an accident and I would never see her again - notice how my mind had created a story? Causing me stress from something that was not real? Anyway when I would get up in the morning she would be home and she would have a gift for me... a muffin. My mind learned subconsciously to associate muffins with peace of mind that my mother was alive and safe. I went through the last 15 years seeing a muffin and eating it to get that feeling without even knowing it!

Now this is not just with food. Many of you have what you would deem a bad habits or something that you don’t like about yourself. Many people may relate to this but their vice may be smoking for example. What is the feeling  that you get when you light up? How would you describe it? It will be different for everyone but if you think about that feeling and the first time you had it with a cigarette you may identify the issue. Maybe you felt cool or more mature? (if you started young) Your mind has learned to associate this feeling to smoking. You might say ‘that’s stupid I don’t feel cool’. Maybe you think this on the surface. I had not idea behind the reason that drove my muffin addiction and certainly didn’t think it would be related to my mother but it turned out it did - there are time I would have sold my body for another delightful treat. Kidding!

So how can we link these two ideas together? Lets try...

Let’s start at the beginning. Something happens, you record the event in your mind and make an association between that event and what needs to occur - a map if you will. This becomes a pattern or a bad habit - a set of behaviours that doesn’t serve you.  We all have habits we don’t like. Often we become disappointed in ourselves when they continue to occur. We promise ourselves this is the last time and that it won’t happen again but then it does and you tell yourself ‘I knew this would happen’ or I always do this’ or ‘I’m so stupid’ and you create a belief about yourself and a prophecy for future behaviour. This forms apart of your identity and who you believe yourself to be. You will focus on what you did wrong thus drawing yourself to failure again and a self fulfilling prophecy is born. Remember what you focus on your create.

So how do we fix this?

Firstly sit down, relax. Don’t over think this.  Let your mind drift off to some of those things you say about yourself and the situations you say them about. Just let the subconscious mind take control and allow the issue to bubble up. Identify the habit  you have and the opinion of yourself that it creates. Ask yourself ‘What is the feeling I get at the moment I do it - just before the disappointment in yourself kicks in?’ Then think to when it was that you first experienced that feeling and you will have a much clearer understanding of what you linked the habit to. Once you do this you will understand yourself better and why you do what you do. Like I said don’t over think it - let it come to you - the answer may surprise you or not be what you thought. Just try it on as a possibility and normally it will be right. This will allow you to take steps to address the issue. For example when I get that craving for a muffin I now identify that my mind and body want to be comforted - I can understand what is going on with me mentally and emotionally. I can then chose an alternative behaviour that will provide me with a feeling of comfort like talking to a friend who always makes me feel good or listening to a song that I love.

   

Try this out. Identify your habits and what you are getting out of them. Create alternative behaviours that can give you the same result - creating a new positive habit. The more you start to use these new habits the more you will start to create and reinforce a new belief about yourself and how you react when placed in situation that once caused you to act in a way that resulted in frustration. It’s not going to be fixed straight away, you have been following this pattern for a long time and you need to reprogram it so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Also catch yourself out when you find yourself saying ‘I always do this’ or ‘I’m stupid’. When you catch yourself ask do I really ‘always’ do this? Has there ever been a time that I didn’t do it? Does this really mean I am stupid? It’s likely it doesn't. If you identify examples contrary to these limiting belief and start to challenge them by coming up with example that contradict them and practicing your new habits you will be surprised by the changes in your state.

We will go further into the idea of beliefs in future blogs. But for now consider the ideas we have discussed, go have fun and play with these concepts.

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Until we meet again

Dan